Dribble Drabbles
by Sweet-kat-87
Summary: My first collection of Drabbles all of them having to do with the wonderful members of Faberitana in just about every combination imaginable. Faberry, Pezberry, Brittberry/Pieberry, Quintana, Quitt, Brittana, Fapezberry, Berrittana, etc. Some shall be silly non-sense and some will be fluffy tales of twu wuv. And smut...must not forget smut. ;D
1. Baked Berries

**Chapter 1: Baked Berries**

**A/N: Welcome to my first drabbles collection, this will be a pell-mell mix of humor, romance, angst, friendships, and whatever else tickles my fancy. For the sake of being proactive this collection will be rated M, I'm not really a smut _writer_ but I do liberally use profanity so when uploading I prefer to err on the side of caution. The following story will be the first in a series that's set in its own little verse based off of the episode "Naked".**

* * *

"I suppose you're both right, besides who would even want to see me topless?" _*****_**(A/N: The author of this fic ****does not**** personally agree with this statement. Lea Michele is a fucking **_**goddess**_** and as I was lucky enough to catch her in ****Spring Awakening**** I feel completely confident in saying that I would gladly pay money to see it again. Thank you for your time and we now bring you back to your story already in progress.)**_*****_

"Well Finn for one, and I'm sure Quinnie would."

Quinn exclaimed a breathy "Truth!" as her eyes glazed over momentarily before noticing that the two brunettes in the room were now staring her, one in hopeful shock, and the other like a cat that washed that thrice damned canary down with all of the cream. Needless to say Quinn was slightly confused (_read: still trying to shake the rainbows and unicorns out of her head_) about what must have happened so she quickly replayed over the last few seconds only to pale in horror. '**SHIT!** _MAYDAY! MAYDAY! LEMON DOWN, LEMON DOWN, ALL SYSTEMS START REPRESSION AND PREPARE TO DENY!' _After setting facial expressions back to neutral the blonde attempted a nonchalance, that had the Latina not been well versed in Lemonese she never would have be able to spot the nanosecond freak out, before fully turning towards the other two girls looking back and forth between them expectantly with an indifferent arched brow. "What?"

Santana just shook her head in disappointed amazement, "Really Q…really, that's how it's gonna go down? You expect us to just ignore the fact that you just admitted to wanting to sink your teeth into Rachel's surprisingly ripe, deliciously sweet, and juicy looking berries?"

Forcing a disgusted scoff, the inwardly corned and palpitating blonde attempted to throw her best frenemy off her scent, which admittedly is such an impossible task she'd switch with King Sisyphus any day of the week. "_Eww _that was just **so** wrong on **so** many levels! God Santana, must you be so crass and vulgar? I really could have done without that visual, no offense meant against you Rach or to women who **are** of that orientation; in fact I'm more than positive that for anyone attracted to the fairer sex your body would be greatly lusted after, I mean just wow! Like **really** Rachel, have you _seen_ your legs? And my GOD having an ass that perfect is almost crimin…b-but that is neither here nor there; **my point is** _THAT_ is your scene Lezpez, not mine and surely not Rachel's." '_Translation: __**hells**__**to the yea**__ I want to devour those berries, and every other last inch of her; but I'm not about to admit that now and risk my five year plan to win Rachel over Lopez, but since you're putting me on the spot I'm going to try to overcompensate for the Christian hetro persona I am so obviously failing at.'_

'**Damn**_,'_ Rachel thought, '_Quinn is __**REALLY**__ repressed, this explains __**SO**__ much!'_

After a few seconds of stunned silence Santana huffed a laugh and said, "Wow that was the gayest fucking thing I ever heard Q," '_Seconded'_ Rachel thought, "and I have had to listen to Hummel and Alpha Gay singing 'It's Rainin' Men' to each other in a car on the way to Bear Night at the only gaybar in a 50 mile radius of Lima."

"As you would say Santana 'bitch please', try being forced to listen to the soundtracks of The Bird Cage, To Wong Fu, and Priscilla Queen of the Desert for four plus hours, with your fathers singing at the top of their tone deaf lungs on a spring break trip to visit Boy's Town in Chicago with them wearing full rainbow regalia, then you can talk to me about gay!" '_Bitch better __**not**__ try to play the "I was almost drowned in glitter and rainbows" card on me, I have 16 years of that trauma on you Lopez.'_

"Touché Berry, you win this round; that **was **way gayer than mine, however I think Q's little love letter to your lower half has tha-…"

"For the last time Santana, no matter how much you may _**personally**_ wish it were true I. _AM._ **NOT.** _**GAY!"**_

'_The closeted lesbian doth protest too much…'_ thought Rachel wryly. Really this was better than reality TV for the diva, because as much as Santana was trying to push Quinn's buttons because she found pleasure in it, the youngest girl knew it was primarily for her and Quinn's benefit.

With a hearty scoff and well practiced eye roll, the fiery Latina quickly brushed off the blondes' desperate projection. "Please Q spare me, A) get over yourself because I did first week at freshman year cheer camp, and don't even try to pretend I never caught you sneaking peeks in the locker room at all this, ***pfft*** just wanted to be a lookout for me and B when we were in the showers so we wouldn't get in trouble with Coach, my perfect toned caramel colored multi-racial ass; and B) if you're straight then that makes Finn a **god** amongst mortals in bed, and the sex _so good_ that **it** is what actually made me question my lesbianism junior year, _not_ my fear of homophobic bullying… _the sex_…with **custard nips**."

Bristling in response to being called out (and to every word being true) the blonde decided to hit the Latina where it hurt, right in the Brittana. "Whatever S! Stop trying to pass the two dollar buck onto me just because you've had a case of the blue balls ever since Brittany moved on from your trifling ass!"

"Oh yea? Well ya know what Blondie! I've got four words for your repressed ass, '**Jodi. Foster's. Clam. Bake.'**…"

_To be continued…_


	2. Avenue Quinn

**Chapter 2: Avenue Quinn**

**A/N: This is a reload of a previous story, I just feel that it works better as part of a drabble collection than as a standalone piece. This is a song parody/crack!fic regarding the New Directions finally getting fed up with the antics of two of their members. I do not own Glee or Avenue Q.**

* * *

After two years of this nonsense the Gleeks had finally decided enough was enough. They were sick of the Finchel drama and getting sexually frustrated by proxy from all the UST and eye-sexing that was going on three times a week. Unfortunately no one really had the balls to address the issue directly with the main instigator and going to the other one would accomplish nothing if the Ice Queen wouldn't crack. After drawing straws and explaining to Brittany that even though she did in fact sketch a lovely picture of a straw it didn't mean she won, Sam was elected to accomplish the seemingly Herculean task now he just needed to figure out how. Luckily having to spend three hours a week listening to Rachel Berry drone on and on occasionally saves the day.

* * *

'_Ah nothing better than a quiet afternoon reading the classics, best part Berry's gonna be late because of that latest slushie so I won't have any distractions and hopefully won't have to go to confessional afterword's. It doesn't get any better than this.' _Just as Quinn has finally gotten comfortable in the hard plastic chair she sensed a disturbance in the force, or you know in the seat right next to her, whatever.

"Hiya Quinn!"

***Sigh*** "Hey Sam."

"You'll never guess what happened to me at the Lima Bean this morning. This guy kept smiling at me and kept trying talk to me, he was acting really weird."

"Yes, well as fascinating as this isn't…"

"In fact I think he might have been coming onto me, I think he might have thought I was gay."

"…and? Why would I care about something like that? Hummel would be a better sounding board for you; I don't know anything about…well about that. So what did you get at the Lima Bean?"

"Heh heh, geez no need to get all defensive Quinn."

"I am NOT getting defensive!"

"…"

"W-Why would I care about some guy hitting on you, we are no longer a couple. Are we done here? I am trying to read."

"I didn't mean anything by it, Quinn. I just thought it was something we could talk about."

"I don't want to talk about it, Sam! This conversation is over!"

"Yeah, but Q..."

"OVER!"

"Well, okay, but just so you know…"

(Sam is in underlined and Santana is in **bold**)

If you were gay

The HBIC immediately stiffened in her seat.

That'd be okay.

I mean 'cause, hey,

I'd like you anyway.

'_I'm sure you would, pervert.' _Quinn thought sullenly, '_It's not like I'm the one obsessed with lip balm and drooling over my own muscles.'_

Because you see,

If it were me,

I would feel free

To say that I was gay

(But I'm not gay.)

At this Sam looks pointedly at Kurt (who proceeds to pout and plops himself sulkily back into his chair) before standing expectantly in front of Quinn.

"Sam, please! I am trying to read..." After a few beats of awkward silence…"Oh dear lord," ***sigh*** "WHAT?!"

If you were queer,

"Ugh, SAM!"

I'd still be here,

"Sam, I'm trying to read this book."

Year after year,

"Samuel."

Because you're dear to me,

"OMFG!"

And I know that you,

"…I what?"

Would accept me too,

***Scoff*** "I would?"

If I told you today,

"Hey! Guess what, I'm GAY!"

(But I'm not gay.)

Kurt sits back down in a huff, muttering about bleached hair and Supremes knowledge.

I'm happy 

Just being friends with you.

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

So what should it

Matter to me

**What you want to do in bed to Berry?**

At this Quinn jumps out of her chair to shriek "Oh my God, Santana that is disgusting!"

**I agree bitch!**

"Oh no, it's not! Yum!"

"SHUT IT PUCKERMAN!"

If you were gay

I'd shout HOORAY!

"I'm not listening!"

And here I'd stay,

"Nobody hears nothing!"

But I wouldn't get in your way.

"Aaaah!"

You can count on me

To always be

Beside you every day,

To tell you it's okay,

You were just born that way,

And, as they say,

It's in your DNA,

You're gay!

"I AM NOT GAY!"

"If you _were_ gay..."

"UGH that is it! Come on Berry! You and I need to have a little **girl-talk**!"

With that closing remark Quinn dragged a very confused but excited Rachel Berry, that had just entered the choir room, out the door muttering something that sounded suspiciously like '_Oh, I'll show them gay!'_ and into the nearest girls bathroom for one of their little _**talks**_; you know, the ones that require absolute privacy, a locked door, and several attempts at _**conversing**_ with each other before Quinn would be satisfied enough to allow Rachel to leave the bathroom until the next time Quinn felt the urge to _**talk**_ with her. Nope, the Gleeks thought, nothing **gay **about that whatsoever.

The End.

* * *

**A/N: First person to spot the Easter egg in this will get a special drabble dedicated to them with their choice of prompt.**


	3. DuckDuckSigh

**Chapter 3: Duck…Duck…*SIGH*!**

**A/N: This is an AU story that has the girls meeting in elementary school, it is a pre-Brittana piece that starts off with Puckpezberry friendship and a small one-sided Pezberry crush, hints at future Faberry.**

**As always I have no rights to Glee or any of its characters those rights belong to RIB.**

* * *

_'Stupid teacher, making me play this stupid game away, with all these stupid losers!'_

A tiny hot head sat fuming in a ridiculously large circle on the gymnasium floor, due to a bad weather day the students of McKinley Elementary were having recess in doors that day, which unfortunately for a certain little Latina meant supervised play, and Santana Lopez didn't do supervised play especially when the teachers decided it would be good to mix up the play groups. This meant that instead of wreaking havoc with Puck, eating cookies with Rachel, and scamming lunch money off of that sissy boy and that chubby black girl he was always tattling with, she was forced to endure playing with these losers.

The worst part was she had that creepy pale kid with the weird hair that was always trying to get Puck's "Jewish American Princess" to kiss him in her group, and even though it was always fun watching Puck beat up on that rat faced kid, Santana really didn't want to get any closer to him than that. Seriously that kid gave off major oogie vibes and was clearly just riddled with cooties. Even Rachel, who was probably the nicest girl in the school if not the whole world, didn't like rat-boy and Rachel liked everyone! Even people Santana thought she was too good to be friends with, like that Lucy Loser.

Whatever…it wasn't like Santana was really _that_ attached to Rachel or anything, it's just that the tiny girl was always happy to see her and brought the best cookies…and sounded really pretty when she sang…and had the best smile …and smelled like apples…and had the biggest eyes ever…and okay maybe Santana REALLY liked Rachel, but that didn't matter when the only thing that was wrong with Rachel was how much time she spent trying to be friends with a certain mousy haired four-eyed bookworm.

Santana couldn't understand that, Rachel was popular like her, but she was going to lose respect by trying to make friends with that girl and the worst part was she didn't even seem to care! It's not like the loser ever said anything back to her! She'd just turn red, stutter, and run away! Which always made Rachel look sad but then the next day she'd try to befriend her all over again, Santana didn't get it, why would Rachel even need to be friends with that weirdo when she has awesome people like her and Puck. It wasn't that Santana was jealous or anything, especially not every time she saw her friend give that loser a soft smile _(that she never gave Santana),_ really she wasn't, it's just that Rachel was **her** friend and Lucy Loser better remember that or else all Lima Heights!

_'Speaking of…' _***growl* **_'I'm gonna push her into the biggest mud puddle after school!'_

Just as Snix was going to be released from her cage, supervising teachers be darned, someone with a death wish bopped the raven haired girl on the head. The whole circle sucked in a deep breath and it was as if the entire gym stopped moving, except of course for Rachel who was too busy vibrating with happiness over the hand holding hers to notice anything, seriously it was like she was preparing for lift off or something. That of course just made Santana even madder before for she shot off the floor to ends the fool who touched her hair. She spun around with a snarl and…stopped. Stopped moving, stopped breathing, stopped thinking, heck even her heart stopped beating for a moment that seemed to go on forever. The first thing her brain registered was the color blue, the most gorgeous shade of blue ever in fact, that belonged to the biggest eyes she had ever seen besides that one girl who's name escaped the Latina now, okay not really, but she felt like 'Rachel who?', why did she care if Rachel wanted to hold that loser's hand again? Her friend could have other friends; seriously it wasn't that big of a deal just as long as those blue eyes belonged to her, and that shiny blonde hair, beautiful smile, and cotton candy smell, because really who would want apples when you could have pure sugar?

"GOOSE!"

Okay that was a unique way to great someone but whatever, "GOOSE!" the Latina exclaimed back just as excitedly.

***giggle*** _'Okay new favorite sound ever!'_ "No silly, **you're** the goose, so I have to run away from you!"

"Wait, you wanna run away from me?" Santana almost cried at the prospect of the prettiest girl she'd ever seen wanting to run from her. "Why? I swear I'm not the one with cooties; Jew-fro over there is the one that's crawling with them!"

Another beaming smile and giggle are the Latina's answer before the tall blonde swoops in to give her cheek a gentle kiss. "I'm only running so you can catch me, don't you want to catch me?"

Santana breathed out a dreamy "Always…"

The blonde girl squealed in joy and pulled the dazed brunette into a tight hug, "Yay! After school do you want to go see the real ducks with me, they're so much cuter than these other ducks and they don't smell weird like that one with the frizzy hair. OH my name's Brittany what's your name?"

"Santana Lopez."

"Hi Sanny! Now come on you have to chase me so you can catch me and then we can be besties for life and feed the ducks!"

As Santana chased the bouncy blonde around the circle, she felt like what just happened was just like that stupid song from that stupid musical Rachel made her watch last week; _it only takes a moment_…or something like that, whatever, Lucy could watch those lame musicals with Rachel now, because Santana was going to be busy with ducks.

**The End.**


	4. The Amazing Spider-Quinn

**Chapter 4: The Amazing Spider-Quinn**

**A/N: Just a silly little drabble based off of the geek!Quinn fandom. No warnings except for language because any time Santana is involved the vernacular gets a touch shall we say…colorful? Faberittana relationship.**

**As always I have no rights to Glee or any of its characters those rights belong to RIB.**

* * *

There were serious draw backs to having three girlfriends, and not just the obvious one like, getting caught cheating because they were all together, or even what society would same about them, because bitches can't help but be jealous of all the hotness going on, no it was the things you'd never consider that really got to the Latina, two of her three girlfriends had **ZERO** filter, with Britts it wasn't _so_ bad because a lot of people mistakenly discounted half the things she said,_ 'Those fuckers!_, No it was motor mouth Rachel who caused the taller brunette and their other blonde girlfriend those awkward moments and left them to give embarrassed apologies.

At times it seemed like Rachel could and would go off on any-_fucking-_one, about any-_fucking-_thing, any-_fucking-_time and for **_forever _**too, and lez be honest, that kind of freaking energizer-bunny stamina was only really useful in the bedroom. No but _seriously?_ It's like the girl was always ready to go, **fuck** in truth, she probably _needed_ to have three women to satisfy her every night, or at the very least Britt and someone else because the bubbly blonde was the only one who came close to keeping up with Rachel and even she's called time out before. **Really**, she pulled out a whistle and threw a flag and everything. Where exactly she pulled those accessories out of the other three would never know, and quite frankly didn't really want too. But none of them could complain too much though because three quarters of that sex-drive was her wanting to give and lez not forget Rachel Barbra Berry strives to give a perfect performance every time…so…yeah, they really had no right to complain; but they did understand the insane two hour workout routine every morning in high school a little better now, and why she was always so high strung and uptight, if you had that kind of libido and not be able to do anything about it, you'd be a raving psycho too; come to think of it Finnocence needs to get over losing her to Quinn at Junior Prom, and then losing them both to Britts and herself because "Minute to Lose it" Hudson wouldn't have stood a chance, hell she probably would have killed him by crushing his head between those three mile long legs of hers. Personally Santana thought that'd be a helluva way to go, you can't deny that the view alone would be spectacular, and talk about your perfect last meal…_Damn it_ where was her hobbit when she needed her, now Santana needed her fix of Berry Juice. The three of them took a poll on who tasted the best and Rachel won unanimously, no hard feelings or diss meant to any other party because they were all damned tasty, but that vegan shit really does make all the difference, however it'd a be a cold day in hell though before Quinn and Santana gave up their bacon.

Where was she going with this? Oh yes, drawbacks to being with the women she loves, in truth the mind-blowing-earth-shattering-fantastical sex made up for all of Rachel's faults, that and the baking, Quinn might be the cook but Rachel can bake Betty Crocker under fucking the table; and with Brittany any uncomfortable silence or revealed secret was glossed over and quickly forgotten because she was Britt damn it, no one can stay upset with that girl ever…no really or else ALL LIMA HEIGHTS! The Latina was self aware and over herself enough to know now that she could be a _tad_ tempestuous at times…and her snarky comments weren't _always_ the funniest thing ever…and **okay** _maybe_ automatically assuming everyone that looked at her girls wanted to fuck them and that they were an actual threat was slightly over possessive and a little offensive to her girlfriends, but whatev! Even Santana Fucking Lopez wasn't perfect, it was a shock to her as well! But get the fuck over it already, because the one of them that was the real problem was Quinn, or should Santana say Lucy, because the Quinn that she spent three years wanting to have hot violent angry sex with was not the bitch that was currently eating lucky charms in her Spider-Man footie pajamas playing Zelda.

_Seriously? What the__** actual**__ fuck!? _

Santana did not sign on for this bullshit, psycho possessiveness over the Hobbit, yea sure, hell it happened! Santana wasn't allowed to fucking touch Rachel for like the first **three months** (read: three days) without Quinn present and glaring away at her. Brooding, and mood swings that only Britts and Rachel were able to cure, yep par for the course with Quinnie the Pooh, but then Rachel sat them all down and explained to her other two girlfriends that Quinn was hiding a deep dark secret, after much cursing about killing the cheating bitch, and then Spanish death threats about ending who ever hurt her Barbie, Rachel screamed for Santana to _"Kindly shut the FUCK up, and let her fucking finish!"_ Which was all kinds of hot to her, Rachel rarely cursed sans bedroom activity, and the fact that Rachel felt so bad about yelling that let Santana bring out the handcuffs and the whip? FUCKING MAGICAL! It was like going to Disney World for the first time as a kid, except so much naughtier, so really it was like getting finger-banged by your girlfriend during Space Mountain. Naughty, naughty Rachel…mmmmm…where was she?

Right! The deep dark secret was that Q was a massive nerd, and that to show their support they should bring Quinn to Comic-Con for her birthday, to which Santana scoffed because no fucking way in hell right? Then Rachel mentioned all the possible roleplaying and accessories they could purchase and suddenly Santana was all kinds of on board. Rachel was one hell of a kinky little manipulator and always kept her word. Quinn's kink side getting let out was unexpected but wholly appreciated…mother fucking Harley Quinn suit, plus Quinn liked to play male characters as well so lots of strap-on action. Oooh and this one time, Santana, Quinn, and Britt dressed up as Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, and Cat Woman respectively and had captured Batgirl (Rachel), so that they could bring her to the dark side…Yea that night they actually wore Rachel out first, it was such a fucking epic achievement that Santana felt the need to scrapbook for the first time ever!

On second thought, this geek thing wasn't so bad…and right now Spider-Woman wanted all up on her Spider-Man and what Spider-Woman wants? She gets. Settling down next to one of her favorite blondes, Santana took a pale lobe in between her teeth as a tan hand started caressing a flannel covered thigh, "Ah, there you are Spider-Man, my spidey senses were starting to tingle and I was worried I'd have to wait until Black Cat or Jackpot came home, but you can help with my tingling right?"

The Zelda came was paused instantly and the remote carelessly tossed on the ground, as Santana was hoisted bridle style to the bedroom, she couldn't help but start humming her girlfriends theme song.

_Spider Quinn_

_Spider Quinn_

_Gonna do me like only a Spider Quinn does_

_Can she swing from a web?_

_Who gives a shit have you seen those tits?_

_Look out _

_I'm bouts to cum with Spider Quinn._

**The End.**


	5. Faulty Gay-dar

**Chapter 5: Faulty Gay-dar**

**A/N: This is part two of the Baked Berries verse; there will be two or three more parts before I wrap it up.**

**As always I have no rights to Glee or any of its characters those rights belong to RIB.**

* * *

_ "I've got four words for your repressed ass, **'Jodi. Foster's. Clam. Bake.' **_

* * *

***Snicker***

"Oh don't think you're off the hook Berry because I've played Truth or Dare with girl Chang and I know for a fact that the girl she kissed and liked it with her seventh grade year was none other than you!" _'I love the smell of napalm in the morning…it smells like…victory!'_

"Well, yea…was that not common knowledge?"

Santana just looked at Rachel incredulously barely able to make out a quietly hissed _'Oh goody one more reason to hate Tina.' _from the girl next to her before sputtering out, "W-wait a second…are you telling me that you were under the impression it was?"

Rachel for her part is a little preoccupied being concerned about the creepy serial!killerQuinn smile the blonde is now sporting but manages to finally answer the Latina with a huff. "Yes! After all I told both Finn and Jesse that when I was dating them, as they both inquired as to who my first kiss was, and likewise Tina told Artie when they first started dating, incidentally that is actually why he started giving me such a hard time and perhaps why he was doubly paranoid about Brittany, Mike however was never bothered by it, he is a very accepting and open minded young man you know. That being said, I feel it is important to note that Tina is completely straight, she just wanted to have her first kiss with someone who she trusted not to betray her confidence or push for more and I agreed to it because I thought she was cute."

Blinking owlishly Santana finally regroups enough to ask the obvious question, "So you're…"

"Bisexual, I've known and been out since I was twelve."

"How was it that Porcelain and Wheezy were **not** shouting this from the rooftops during high school?"

"Wait what do you mean by doubly paranoid about Brittany?!"

"Well Quinn we've had dance classes together since we were six, so when I told her about my first kiss with Tina she said that she wanted to try it too so we did…Oh don't you give me that look Fabray! You try saying no to Brittany!"

"Did you know about this San?"

"Well duh Q! Britt does have a perfect score for getting her macks on; in fact Berry was Britts first legit girl kiss. Which FYI was one of the reasons I was such a stone bitch to you, now shut up Q so Berry can answer my question!"

"I suspected as much, now where was I? Ah yes, Mercedes and Kurt, well they have both known since we were twelve so it wasn't a big deal to them Santana, that's how Tina knew I'd be open to kissing her, and besides that they may be gossip queens but there are things that are off limits to them. Anyway we all went to the same middle school together so most people knew. I mean really Santana did you seriously think Azimio and David called me '_Dyke Berry' _and '_Freak', _purely because I had two dads?"

"Uhhh well…"

***Sigh*** "That was for me, San because I was out. I'm sorry this is such a shock for you but in my defense I really thought you knew. How could you not? I mean for crying out loud Santana how could you _seriously_ miss all the times I said **gold stars** were my thing! Even if I were I straight, I was still raised around the gay community so I would probably have more than a passing familiarity with that particular idiom. Not to mention the fact that I was on the **_GOLF TEAM_** for all four years of high school!"

Quinn finally stepped back outside of her creepy little head to lock eyes on to Santana as the poor girl gaped like a fish. "_Still_ think being a bitch and a repressed lesbian gives you **_'awesome'_** Gay-dar San? Because I personally think you should consider contacting your local Gaymart* for a refund."

"Oh shut it Bipolar Barbie I am so sic-..." Suddenly Santana cut herself off as a wolfish smirk over took her features, to Rachel it looked as if the girl were a shark that just caught the scent of blood in the water and began to slowly circle its prey. "Wait a sec Q, if you're so straight, then how the hell do **_you_** know what Gaymart is?"

"I-I ummm…w-well you see…"

"And what was that about you now having _another_ reason to hate Tina? Exactly how many reasons do you have and what are they? Oh no wait don't tell me, lemme guess; first when she supported Rachel in her decision to finally give it up to the 6 Dollar Man and then when she encouraged her to get married to Grawp right?"

"Oh fuck off Santana!"

"Sorry to interrupt what I'm sure will be a riveting display of alpha-bitchiness, but I feel as though I must interject here and clarify that I am in fact still a virgin."

…

**"WHAT?!" **

_To be continued_

*(Gaymart is a real thing, and I did quote Apocalypse Now, that just happened I am in fact that amazing, you're welcome.)*


	6. Drop Dead Divas

**Drop Dead Diva**

**A/N: This is just a cracky little multi-shot based on the movie ****Drop Dead Gorgeous****, with Rachel Berry as Amber Adkins and Quinn Fabray as Becky Lehman. I'm not going to cover the entirety of the movie just the subtext scenes between Amber and Becky and in no particular order, if you're not familiar with the movie, there are quite a bit. This first one is set during the actual pageant back stage where the girls are supposed to be prepping for the fitness contest.**

**I DO NOT CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF GLEE OR DROP DEAD GORGEOUS.**

* * *

As the girls rush to make their first outfit change backstage, a small brunette begins frantically ripping through the hangers.

"No! Nonononono!"

Noticing the distraught girl, Ms. Pillsbury runs over to try and perform damage control yet again. "Oh my goodness, what's the matter Rachel?"

The young woman turns to the pageant assistant with tears in her eyes. "My dress is missing!"

Huffing a sigh of relief and slight irritation, the red headed woman tries to get the little diva to refocus so they can stay on their very important schedule. It was the regional American Teen Princess Pageant after all. "Rachel Berry it is not time for the talent portion of the competition, you need to get dressed for the physical fitness number."

"I don't understand it was right here before the opening number…" Suddenly the little brunette stopped her desperate and frantic search to unleash the coldest glare in her repertoire upon the spoiled blonde across the room. "Oh, what am I thinking? I should just ask you _Quinnie_! Where is it huh? **Where is it?!**"

The accused arched a disdainful eyebrow and sneered back at the tiny brunette that she saw as her only real competition. "What are you blathering about **now** Welfare Check?"

The other girls cautiously stepped back as the two top runners for the crown began to circle each other in a familiar predatory dance.

"You know damn well what I'm referring to, you poster child for Hitler Youth! You stole my dress just so I couldn't compete!"

"Oh I did, did I? Well you better be able to back that up because you're talking crazy!"

"Uh oh you bring me on some of that snotty attitude _Quinnie_! **BRING IT ON!**" Rachel leapt across the short distance and got right into the fuming blonde's face.

Quinn yelled "Oh I bring it alright, along with my mother's Sunday diner so come and get it!" right back into Rachel's face before starting a shoving match.

"Don't worry Quinnie I'll get it, I might even have seconds!"

"If you want seconds then I guess that means I get desert all to myself! **SO TRAILOR PARK, WHAT'S ON THE MENU TONIGHT?!**"

**"BERRY PIE YOU PLASTIC BITCH!"**

**"MY FAVORITE!"**

As the epic catfight quickly descended from frustration fueled fisticuffs as a way of venting their massive back-up of UST into straight up angry sex, the other girls quickly fled the room before the first slip hit the floor, red faced and embarrassed by what they had just seen, a loud exclamation of **_"OH FUCK YEAH! CLEAN YOUR PLATE QUINNIE! EAT UP ALL THAT BERRY PIE!" _**floated into the hallway, which just added to the mortification of the other contestants, after a few torturously long seconds Santana's amused snort is what finally broke the awkward silence that permeated the hall save for the cries of passion coming from behind the door. Looking around the group with mirth in her eyes, the Latina smirked and said, "Pay-up bitches, because I totes called that shit."

* * *

**A/N: I told you it was a cracky little fic. When I saw the scene from the actual movie I believe that was the first time in my life I ever threw my fist in the air and yelled "Chick fight!" out loud…which was awkward, because I was with my mom and an aunt when the film first came out. Why my mother was surprised years later when I finally came out is a mystery to this day.**


	7. Beautiful Liar

**Beautiful Liar**

**A/N: Warning this piece is not Quinn friendly, hinted at secret high school relationship, one-sided Pezberry crush, mentioned Faberry interaction & Quintana interaction.**

**I DO NOT CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF GLEE OR THE SONG BEAUTIFUL LIAR.**

* * *

_It's not worth the drama_

_All for a beautiful liar_

_'You fucking heartless bitch.'_

For years the blonde girl sitting in the living room had been playing everyone around her much like she was playing the brunette currently seated beside her, using her breathtaking good looks, faux demurring smiles, those damned sexy eyebrows, artistic aloofness, and sparkling hazel eyes to reel her victims in like an angler fish; all so she could devour them whole and spit out their bones.

_She said, I'm worth it_

_Her one desire_

And the girl in the kitchen was fucking sick of it.

She was sick of the girl getting away with everything and coming out clean; teen pregnancy?

Oh poor Quinn. Yes she was kicked out and homeless at sixteen which was a terrible thing to happen to her, but if she had never sought out her boyfriend's best friend as a make out partner in order to feel better about herself it never would have happened. Not to mention everyone seemed to gloss over the fact that Noah was dating Santana at the time, and the fact that Quinn had gone behind her "best friends" back as well.

Viciously torture and harass everyone in the school, but especially Rachel Berry for years, with little to no remorse?

Oh well, she had a lot of pressure at home and she was the Head Cheerleader, she's supposed to push around the little people. Besides, Rachel is irritating and nobody likes her anyway so who cares what happens to her. Never mind the fact that the things that Quinn wrote, said, drew, and did to the singer would all equal jail time in the real world, that kids across the country had killed themselves for less, that the school was supposed to have a zero tolerance policy against any type of abuse, but especially the steady stream of anti-Semitic, racist, homophobic bullying, and sexual harassment that Rachel was subjected to daily at school and at home because of the blonde. Who cares? Quinn was slushied once and then deigned to acknowledge the losers of Glee club even after her epic fall from the top of the social ladder was over so really it's all good right? It's not like any of that behavior warranted any type of apology or atonement or anything. She's Quinn! Being graced with her presence is apology enough; in fact everyone should feel privileged to have her around.

Completely sell out Santana to Coach Sylvester Junior year?

Who cares! Santana is a bitch and no one but Brittany likes her anyways so really she had it coming. Even though Santana never said boo about Quinn to Sylvester and even forgave her for the boyfriend stealing shit. Until that betrayal of course, then one case of mono later their even again and all is forgiven from Santana.

Speaking of mono? Cheating on Sam anyone?

Santana gave her mono via kissing Finn so Santana is the real bitch in that scenario, especially after she started dating the blonde boy. Of course if Quinn wasn't cheating on him with Finn only Finn would have gotten mono and Santana would have never gone after Sam but never mind that. It was all Santana's fault.

It was all so fucking ridiculous, and that was only what was public knowledge.

No one but Quinn and Rachel knew what happened in the bathroom at Junior Prom, Quinn slaps the shit out of the girl for no fucking reason, and then what happens? Quinn cries and Rachel folds like a cheap suit, while she comforts the girl who slapped her, and tries to make her feel better about herself.

Only Santana, Brittany, and Quinn knew that the violate blonde was willing to ruin the entire Glee club's shot at Nationals because she was jealous of Rachel, and bitter over the fact that Finn had dumped her yet again, at a funeral this time, only to pursue the little diva. Was any of that Rachel's fault? No. And didn't Rachel already get slapped over that very fucking issue? Yes. But she's Quinn, and she's hurting so quick, someone give the girl a hug and spend the rest of the night pampering her.

And the next year after all the Glee club and Mr. Schue had done to try and help her, and after mocking her former best friends for almost the same fucking thing, she teams up with Sue to try and take down Glee club yet again.

Only Rachel, Puck, Shelby, and Quinn were privy to the lengths the blonde was willing to go to in order to get her daughter back, consequences for everyone else including her daughter be damned. She was Quinn Fabray and she gets what she wants.

Yes the livid brunette was sick of all of it.

_And I wish I could free you_

_From the hurt and the pain_

But she was especially sick of watching her friend and roommate fall so deeply for people who only wanted to use her. None of them had cared about the brunette, not like she did, and it would be a cold day in hell before she let anyone hurt her again, but especially not Quinn Fucking Fabray, the girl who had done so much to hurt them both over the years, who had used them both (and everyone else she became romantically linked to) up and thrown them away; only to come crawling back, batting those long luscious lashes in faux innocence over lying golden eyes, all so that she could use her victims again should they still prove useful.

To hell with that!

_But the answer is simple_

_She's the one to blame_

The girl sitting next to that succubus was a loyal, smart, protective, loving, beautiful, perfect woman, and one of the few real friends the girl observing them had ever had. So even if the object of her affection would never want her back, she swore that Quinn Fabray wasn't fucking going to get away with using her friend for her own sexual and personal gratification and get away with it!

_Nobody likes being played._

Or else her name wasn't Rachel Berry.

_The End._

* * *

**A/N: Sorry, I actually really like Quinn, but it pisses me off that the only ones on the show that have been consistently called out on all their bullshit is Rachel and Santana. They are always the bad guys and constantly having to prove themselves to the rest of the cast but Quinn and Finn get away with pretty much everything. So needless to say this was building up for a while, it's not Quinn's fault. The writers have just sucked with giving her character consistency, unless Quinn's supposed to come across at her worst moment as a bi-polar nut job or a borderline sociopath, in which case kudos! Really! Job well done…**


	8. Thanks, but no thanks

**A/N: I really like coming up with insult dialogue, and Santana and Quinn are both great tools to scratch that itch with. So this isn't attached with anything else, just a quick dialogue piece set in an AU where Santana and Rachel met in New York, get together, and are back for Rachel's ten year reunion. The woman Santana is speaking with is just some random Lima Loser bully that's jealous of Rachel's life.**

**As always I in no way own Glee or its characters they belong to the creative team RIB and to Fox.**

* * *

"So…you're Rachel Berry's girlfriend huh?"

"Yep."

"What are you trying for sainthood?"

"I'm sorry?"

"I can only imagine how awful that must be for you, but I suppose charity work is seldom enjoyable is it?"

"…"

"My room is 113, if you feel like enjoying a little reprieve from your attempts at being canonized."

"Interesting offer, but I'm gonna have to say no."

"Are mentally infirm? Why the hell not?"

"Because giving up a relationship with Rachel Berry to have a fling with someone like you, is like receiving a full ride scholarship to your dream school, plus living expenses, and saying, _'Nah…I think I'd rather be a high school drop out with a drug problem, and work at McDonalds the rest of my life while living in my parent's basement.'_ So thanks but no thanks; go shop your skanky and no doubt STD riddled ass somewhere else, because I've vowed to abstain from idiocy for the entirety of this and any other lifetime I may get experience. And **bitch**? Normally I'd slap the shit outta you or anyone else for talkin' bouts my girl like that but I don't feel like having to dip my hand in boiling acid after just to avoid catching whatever the **fuck** you no doubt have. Now walk away _puta_ afores I show you how we do it in the Bronx and ends you!"

* * *

**A/N: See, just an insult for the sake of an insult. I'm gonna write more of these as they come to me, some from Quinn and some from Santana.**


	9. Typical

**Typical**

**A/N: This is the second of my insult series, well not so much a series as a hodgepodge collection of GOD I WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY THIS ON THAT FUCKING SHOW! This time around I thought I'd give Quinn a tumble…that…was an unintentional pun…but oh ho ho, wouldn't we all if we but had the chance? This is set in just another typical day in the choir room, let's say Season 2 after prom for shits and gigs, and for some reason Quinn can no longer hold her tongue. AU but only kinda.**

**As always I in no way own Glee or its characters they belong to the creative team RIB and to Fox.**

* * *

*Snort*

"Typical."

Twelve pairs of eyes snap towards the blonde that was shaking her head at the back of the choir room, whether that action was out of exasperation, irritation, anger, or amusement no one was really sure and the one soul that was usually brave enough to question the HBIC wisely kept her queries to herself this time, prom had taught her that it was sometimes best to **not** follow the volatile girl into the metaphoric bathroom, while the person who should have been asking was too afraid of Scary!Quinn to risk her wrath after breaking up with her (at a funeral) by asking yet another dumb question…which maybe means he was actually smarter than people gave him credit for.

This left only one person foolish enough to take the bait and ask the _parachute_ question, as Rachel would call it… Mr. Schue.

Adopting his patented '_I'm your buddy, but still superior to you' _persona, Mr. Schue addressed the girl that he mistakenly thought had lost her claws. "What's typical Quinn?"

Glacial hazel eyes snapped to his before sizing him up in apparent disgust; locking their eyes once more, an alarmingly believable saccharine smile worked its way across her lips that clashed with hardened and disinterested topaz. Will shifted uncomfortably in place and had to fight his bodies urge to shiver in fear, he suddenly gained an appreciation for how brave Rachel must be to consistently meet that gaze head on without backing down, on second thought anyone who could do that is more than a little terrifying themselves. This left the curly haired teacher to wonder if he should maybe start cutting the diva some slack, after all she did send an innocent girl to a crack house this year who knows what she would do to him if he pushed her too far.

A cruel and breathy chuckle cut through the silence of the room, causing the man to flinch and Rachel to wince in sympathy.

_'Strike two Mr. Schue; never let her see your fear.'_

Santana, ever they sadist when it came to people she disliked getting publically eviscerated shivered with delicious anticipation of what was to come, and wondered if her on again of again frienemy was going to make yet another teacher cry.

_'I may a stone cold bitch, but nobody burns like Fabray, this is what ya get Schue for being a hypocritical bastard with a God complex.'_

Almost every other person in the room was thanking every higher power available that for once it wasn't them.

A disdainful eyebrow slowly arched, before a soft voice belied the vicious contempt behind it. "Well Mr. Schue…everything."

While he knew that he had picked a fight with someone well above his weight class, the teacher couldn't stop himself from falling straight into her trap. "Everything?"

"Yes just…"*sigh* "everything. You see Mr. Schue every day I have to come into this choir room I try keep my mind open to the possibility that somehow, some way we will actually accomplish something or even make some kind of progress that we help us towards winning a fucking competition; and every day I find myself bitterly disappointed and yet completely unsurprised that every single meeting turns into you either trying to live your life vicariously through Finn or taking out your misogynistic issues with women on the girls of this club. The only time you stick up for anyone is if they're a guy, provided that guy is not Kurt, while letting anyone and everyone gang up on the girls, especially if it's Rachel or Santana. Which begs the question are you simply a sexist or are you also racist? I'm leaning towards both because let's not forget that stunning display of racial insensitivity you exhibited last year by calling Mike "Other Asian". I mean honestly Santana and Rachel have both be unbelievably insulted all meeting and you didn't intervene about all the 'petty hostility and infighting' until Finn's name got dragged into it. So yes William, everything about today is typical and I for one am fucking sick of it. Stop trying to use this club to fix all of you first world white male middle class problems, because some of us have serious issues going on in our lives and no amount of singing turgid 80's power ballads and sugar pop anthems, or having to listen to your pathetic attempts at rapping is going to fix it. For fucks sake Rachel and Kurt have to face daily homophobia and Rachel isn't even gay! But she does also get the added bonus of anti-Semitism that apparently only Puck is exempt from along with constant criticism and bullying even in this room that you yourself occasionally join in on Mr. Schue, and by occasionally I mean almost daily, where was your clichéd 'let's all get along attitude' then. The only person who is more wishy-washy about his opinion of Rachel is Finn, is Rachel your go to lead and favorite or the bane of your existence Mr. Schue? Seriously pick one because your lack of consistency is giving all of us whiplash and causing her to act out way more than she would otherwise, though she has been significantly better since Kurt came back. Oh by the way? Great job protecting a student you knew was receiving violent harassment in the halls, and don't you dare try again with that 'my hands were tied' bullshit because you could have gone over Figgins head and should have until this matter was resolved especially since your job would have been protected from any negative repercussions by the state's anti-retaliation laws and you know it. You're just either a pathetic coward or don't give a damn about protecting your students. You are the worst person in this room with Finn being a close second, but you know what? Finn maybe a manipulative idiot but at least he's a sweet manipulative idiot and the fact that he has a hero complex is entirely **your** fault; you however are a _pretentious_ manipulative idiot, with a **GOD** complex, which makes what happened here today, again, completely fucking typical. Did that clear everything up for you Mr. Schue?"

Will has long since paled in horror over being so publicly fileted and can only gape like a fish trying to come up with some sort of response.

Throughout the whole deliciously humiliating tirade Santana has been on the edge of her seat almost breathless with anticipation. _'Come on damn you! Cry! Big money! Big Money! No Whammies! No Whammies!'_

She's not disappointed, however it's Rachel that first notices the shamed man's eyes beginning to tear. _'And strike three, you're out Mr. Schue. Have fun being Quinn Fabray's bitch for the rest of her time in high school because she will never respect you again.'_

Rachel slowly packs up her things before heading toward the door, Brittany, and Santana follow suit seemingly being the only other ones that realize Glee is done for the day; Mr. Schue won't and can't recover from that absolutely devastating verbal assault. Fat Man and Little Boy have been dropped, the fat lady has sung, the curtain has closed. As Rachel made her way down the hall a voice called out and halted her progress.

"Berry! You forgot something!"

_'Shit! What the in the name of Liza have I done now?' _The frightened diva quickly turned around and readied herself for whatever fresh hell she was to face courtesy of Quinn Fabray. The blonde marched down the hall with an almost feral look in her eyes and a dangerous smirk playing on her lips. A terrifying sight to be sure and one that sent off every warning buzzer in her head but the diva had never given into her fear of the ex-Cheerio before and she wasn't about to start now. Her chin was up, with her show smile locked firmly in place and no fear showing in her eyes; she was ready. "I did? What might that be Quinn?"

"This."

Never breaking stride the determined blonde pulled the startled little diva into a passionate and desperate lip lock, and with the help of her forward momentum, Quinn was able to slam Rachel into the row of lockers behind her, causing a startled gasp to allow the former HBIC to deepen their kiss and her tongue to begin its quest to dominate and taste every inch of the brunette's perfect mouth while long finger worked their way through silken chocolate locks. The unrestrained moan that vibrated past the blonde's lips and into Rachel's mouth had the diva reacting instinctively as one leg wrapped its self around the taller girl's hip. Seizing this golden opportunity, Quinn untangled her hands from their heavenly prison, raking them down the brunette's body, before boldly stroking them up and under a sinfully short skirt to lift the diva's creamy thighs up and firmly settle her slim waist between them. As their bodies began to move natural synchronicity against each other, their hormonally charged bubble was burst by a metaphoric slushie.

"Hell yeah Q! Tap that ass!"

"So hot."

Both girls wrenched their lips apart before whipping their heads in the direction the catcalls came from, and not even five feet away Santana and Brittany were watching with looks of lustful hunger (Brittany), and proud amusement (Santana). Quickly Quinn set Rachel back on the ground and began straightening herself out, while the diva leaned weakly against the lockers for support and tried to make sense of what the hell just happened.

"It's abouts fucking time Fabray! Watching you moon over her was getting exhausting, not to mention all the UST was seriously putting Britts and I in expulsion territory after getting put on notice for having sex on school grounds. Granted we'd do that anyway but having to repeatedly sneak off to scratch the itch you two gave us by proxy from your constant and blatant eye sex, has given us two strikes this month alone."

"Santana!" Quinn's fair skin flushed crimson with embarrassment as her shifted guiltily between oddly silent singer and her shameless friend.

"Aww don't be embarrassed Quinn. I think it's really sweet that you finally un-pressed your lemon and got your sweet lady kisses on with Rachel. But before you guys like make it official do you think we can all have sexy times together just once, or like permanently because that'd be super-hot."

At that Santana quickly began shaking her head to rid herself of the disgusting (tempting) images that were flooding her brain, before dragging her blonde friend away. "No me gusta Britts! Just no!"

Still in mortified at being caught in such a compromising position and over everything her so called friends just said, slowly Quinn turned to gage the reaction of the girl she, for all intents and purposes, just sexually assaulted and found her heart swell with affection at the adorable puppy like confused tilt to the brunettes head while delicate brows were furrowed above the confused cinnamon eyes she loved so much. Taking a fortifying deep breath the blonde fully prepared herself for karma to strike swiftly and justly against her cheek before addressing the girl that unknowingly held her heart.

"I am so sorry about them, and about getting so carried away. I swear I had no intention of mauling you Rachel, but your lips are just so damned tempting and are so soft and you taste so good that I just lost control of myself; but I know I have almost too much to atone for and that I certainly don't have any right to kiss you yet, but hopefully you can find it in that unbelievably kind and forgiving heart of yours to let me start to make it up to you? Maybe by allowing me to take you out this weekend?"

All traces of predatory hunger and arrogance were gone, and Rachel found herself pulled out of her stupor only to melt at the sight of shy, pleading hazel eyes that belonged to the prettiest girl she had ever met, and it was that mix of trepidation and hope that confirmed to Rachel that even though the blonde girl was a truly stunning woman she was also so much more than that and convinced her to say…

"That would be lovely Quinn. When did you have in mind?"

* * *

**A/N: Originally this was just going to be passive aggressive vindictive Quinn but it quickly morphed into so much more, and I originally hadn't planned on any non-cannon couples but I just couldn't help myself.**


End file.
